She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
