Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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