I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
