wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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