Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
