i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize