I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
