We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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