I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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