Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
