I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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