oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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