When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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