I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
