I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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