Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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