my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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