you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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