:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
