Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
