Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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