He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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