So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
