i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
