Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
