Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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