i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize