Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
