I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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