No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize