I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
