The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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