hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
