I'm jealous of your bromance
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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