I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
