on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I texted him: βCome over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.β
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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