I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
