Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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