i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
