why didn't you poke me back
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
