happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
