im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
