Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
