just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
