my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
