I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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