Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
