if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
