where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
