I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
