My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
birth control should be required to get into college
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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