Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
