i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
