can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
