Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
