Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
