getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
