I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
