girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
