I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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