so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
