I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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